Okay to my non-American friends, let me explain to you the 4th of July. I was surprised by just how many non-Americans don’t really know specifically what this holiday is. This is an “American Thing” where we think the entire world either IS the US or knows about all our stupid America-Specific holidays…
So basically originally back in ye olden days before we were a country, we were part of the British Empire under King George. King George was a total asshat and we were getting ridiculously taxed. And finally we were just like fuck the monarchy and we just told them no and dumped some tea in the harbor. And THEN shit got real.
They’re all like no you WILL pay these taxes and you WILL obey the crown. And we were like… “You’re not my real dad!” And then we went to war. And our ragtag group of freedom fighters kicked their asses back to England.
Now, if we had lost, we’d all be considered terrorists, but… we didn’t lose, so we made a country. Now, we also did a bunch of evil shit like killing Indians and taking their land (Native Americans or First Nations I think now) and giving them smallpox but we like to focus on where we kicked King George’s ass. For obvious reasons. We were also embroiled in slavery at the time, so we really needed a win where we could be the good guys for a change.
July 4th 1776 was the day we declared our independence and the date we celebrate. Hilariously the war FOR our actual independence went on well AFTER that. There is nothing more America than celebrating not the day we WON but the day we just DECLARED we were going to be free of this toxic garbage fire.
Unsurprisingly Americans don’t give a crap about the British Monarchy, but we did like Princess Di and now Harry and Megan. We like anyone who rebels against the crown. We’re sort of pathological that way.
So how do Americans celebrate the date we officially DECLARED our Independence? I mean obviously cook-outs and blowing things up (fireworks). It’s just our way. My neighbors have been shooting fireworks for at least the past 2 weeks. Now, don’t get me wrong, the world is moving fast toward a dystopia and is anyone ever REALLY free? But… nevertheless… cookouts and fireworks! Yay! So wise of our forefathers to declare independence during the summer so we could celebrate with grilled meat eaten outdoors today.
Though I do think there is a lesson here in celebrating the date you DECIDE to be free as opposed to the date you actually win. There is something psychologically important about this distinction. Also, who knew I had so much to say about the 4th of July? Definitely not me when I started typing all this.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk…
Brian And Mina’s new book, book 2 in Brian and Mina’s Holiday Hits, BLOWING THINGS UP is available now! The 4th of July festivities and logistics play a big role in this story so today is the PERFECT day to read this one if you haven’t already: