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Stop me if youāve heard this one⦠thereās a hypothetical question that went around the internet that goes something like this: As a woman, would you rather be confronted with a bear in the woods, or a man? Every woman with a pulse says bear, to the absolute utter outrage of the entire internet male population.
They think we havenāt understood the question. Or that weāre just silly irrational women who donāt get that bears are dangerous, or the damage a bearās claws can do. Maybe they think we have some Disney Princess fantasy where we sit in the forest singing while surrounded by all the woodland creatures. Maybe they think we think that bears can be our friends. I might think that last one just a little bit, but Iām not actually deluded enough to really believe it.
Who knows? I do know they think weāre exaggerating the danger of the average human male stranger. Because their next flustered words are āNot all men!ā Oh, thatās comforting. Not all men. So as long as thereās one shining unicorn white knight we should rest easy. Iām glad there was a man on the internet to explain this to me. You know if it was only a few men theyād say āNot most menā, theyād never give up that opportunity for the moral high ground, but they give their game away because what they want⦠is accessāeasy access to their natural prey: women.
As far as Iām aware, Iām not a bearās natural prey. Fun fact about bears, they are hypo-carnivores which means they only get about thirty percent of their diet from meat. And even when hungry, a human isnāt their first choice of food. They also arenāt a territorial species. Iāll take my chances with the bear. Thank you for your concern, random dude on the internet.
Iām actually hiking in the woods right now mentally obsessing about this stupid hypothetical question and how much it enrages me. By myself. At night.
Before you start your judgments about how foolish I am to be alone out in the woods at night, let me explain myself. And Iām sure actually the reason youāre judging me right now is not because you thought I might run into a bear. Yeah. Exactly.
I was hiking in the middle of the day, and then I got lost, and then it got dark. That was actually a quicker explanation than I thought it was going to be.
I glimpse bits of the full moon through the spaces between the trees. An owl hoots in the distance because of course it does. And then I hear the crunch of leaves, and somehow I know thatās a boot from a human⦠not the scurrying of an animal. Itās too close, and contrary to many peopleās fears, wild animals donāt tend to creep so close to humans for fun.
āYou lost, sweetheart?ā His voice is a thick southern drawl. Heās some good old boy that likes to be out in the woods. Is he hunting? Camping? Probably not hiking. Nobody really does that at nightāexcept for me⦠who didnāt understand the assignment⦠ābe home before dark.ā Or at least safely locked inside your car.
āUm, no. No, Iām just fine,ā I say, backing away slowly and hoping heāll take the hint and go on his way.
I squint at the flashlight knowing itās too much to hope this might be a forest ranger and wondering if that would keep me safe or if the opportunity of discovering a woman out alone in the woods is just too much for far too many men who like to pretend to be protectors rather than the predators they often turn out to be.
No, Iām not bitter at all.
āNow, donāt be like thatā¦ā he drawls. āYouāre clearly lost. Come back to my camp site⦠weāll get you fed and warmed up and then we can head out in the morning.ā
Who is we? Does he have others with him, or does he mean the royal we? Maybe heās fine. Maybe heās camping with people⦠men and women. If there are other womenācouplesāmaybe it would be safe to go with him. But that prickle at the back of my neck tells me this guy did not come here with friends. And if he did, that only makes things worseānot better.
āNo, Iām fine, really,ā I say. I take a few more steps back. He takes a few steps closer. I take a few steps back. He takes a few steps closer.
He knows exactly what heās doing as he shines the flashlight on me. Itās a game to him, like a cat playing with a mouse before eating it. I canāt see his face, but I can hear his smile when he says, āDonāt you worry, Iāll protect you from the bears.ā
I pull out my bear spray, but he bats it out of my hand. His flashlight shining right in my face is doing me no favors for visibility of my situation. I take off my backpack and throw it at him, turn, and run.
My ID is in that bag. I really donāt need him to have that bag, but I canāt carry it and run at the same time, and the immediate problem is a stranger in the woods chasing meānot any future stalking worries. One problem at a time.
The only reason I can even see where Iām going is the flashlight heās shining in my direction as he chases me. The light wavers back and forth in front of my path matching the rhythm of his strides. Heās not in great shape, but still, heāll catch me.
I try to think. I have no other weapons on me, the spray was it. My cell phone is in my pocket, but the last time I checked there was no reception out here. I pull it out anyway as I run and glance down⦠praying somehow I can get a couple of bars and call 911. Though I know they wonāt get to me in time, so what does it matter?
Tears cloud my vision. No barsājust like earlier when I first got lost. There were a lot of fallen leaves on the trail, and I took a wrong turn into what was actually the larger forest and not the continuation of the trail, and I havenāt been able to find my way back to the path.
And all Iām doing is running deeper into a forest I donāt know in the middle of the night with a mad man chasing me. What are the odds of that?
I trip over a tree root, and my cell phone goes flying out of my hand. A moment later heās on top of me. He flips me over as I struggle.
āGet the fuck off of me!ā
āThis doesnāt have to be violent,ā he says.
The bile rises in my throat and I wonder if I can make myself puke and if that will dissuade him off his course and kill the disgusting boner pressing through his pants against my thigh.
Doesnāt have to be violent. This piece of shit. There are a million ways I wish I had the strength to overpower and kill this man.
I scream and squirm and manage to knee him in the groin. I roll back over onto my stomach to get up, but he grabs me by the ankle I sprained when my foot caught on the tree root. I howl in pain and try to kick him in the face with my uninjured foot, but he easily avoids the blow and drags me back to him.
āPlease⦠you donāt have to do thisā¦ā but I know I canāt reason with a wild animal. And thatās exactly what he is.
āHelp!ā I scream, as though thereās anyone out here to hear me. And even if there were, how do I know itās not just someone else like this guy? They could make it a fucking party and multiply my trauma or maybe take a video for the internet.
No one is coming to save me. I reach through the leaves praying for a rock I can bash him over the head with, but nature provides me with no miracle weaponānot even a stick to jab in this monsterās eye.
And then I hear it⦠a low growling sort of sound that turns into a roar. And then a second later the guy isnāt on top of me anymore. I squint in the moonlight and can just make out⦠holy fuck itās an actual bear.
The bear is aggressive and angry. A grizzly maybe? Black bears are usually shy and far more scared of you than you are of them.
The man screams, and I realize this bear is attacking him full out. Like āHiker gets mauled by bearā attacking. I scramble to get away, scanning the leaves for my phone. But I canāt run on this ankle. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Is the bear rabid? Will he maul me as soon as heās done with the man? The thought flits through my head that Iād prefer that death to what this man had planned for me.
The strangerās screams die, and I know itās because he has died. The bear turns back to me, his gaze seeming to glow golden in the moonlight.
I hear a male voice in my head that says, āMine,ā as though Iām reading the bearās thoughts right out of his head. But of course bears donāt think in English. Iām having some sort of break with reality.
I freeze. I canāt think. I canāt run. I just⦠freeze. And then I faint.
I donāt expect to wake up. I expect to die like that man did.
But I do wake, in a cave, wrapped in a warm⦠bear? What the actual fuck? Is this bear⦠cuddling me? My back is pulled flush against hisāor her, I donāt really knowāfront, with an arm draped over me like this is normal.
Did this bear really drag me back to its caveā¦? It snores behind me, and I try to shimmy out from under the heavy furry arm. Thereās a grunting sound, and Iām gripped tighter.
Okay, Rosalie, at least youāre alive. The bear didnāt kill you. Itās fine. Itās⦠fine.
It is not fine. But the bear is too heavy and strong, and I am so tired. And my ankle is throbbing. I donāt know if I could even get out of here on my own steam if I wanted to. I close my eyes and pray the bear doesnāt wake up in the mood it was in when it mauled my attacker.
Want more? Follow me to candy mountain…
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